Ashley and Jo

Ashley's Favorite Thing about Jo

It is honestly hard to single out my favorite detail about being with Jo - what I can say is one of my favorite joys in life is getting to be in Johanna's life. I could wax endlessly about the parts of our relationship I love. Jo is kind, caring, witty, goofy... instead I will simply say that my favorite part of our relationship is simply being a part of it. Each of us is on an adventure through life. How wonderful is to be able to walk that path with your best friend? Life is never easy. Each good day has its own shadows, and every bad day has a small ray of sunshine. My favorite thing about our relationship is simply the moments we get to sit together and watch the literal and metaphorical sunset together. I can be myself with Jo - something that is both amazing and terrifying. Amazing because Jo empowers me to be my best self. Terrifying, because one of guiding principles of our relationship is our demand that the other person at least accept they are deserving of unconditional love.

Jo's Favorite Thing about Ashley

My favorite thing about Ashley is how she always leads with her heart. She is a person who is so passionate about making the world a better place; from front-line advocacy work, to helping strangers whenever she can, to bringing her friend a coffee when they've been stressed. She never passes on an opportunity to brighten someone's day. Ashley is so authentically herself that she couldn't possibly be anyone else, and I truly admire that.

My favorite part about our relationship is that I get to spend every day with my best friend, and I get to safely be every version of myself with her. She always encourages me to be my best self, in a way that gives me grace when I make mistakes and celebrates the small things. She's also just a blast to be around. She's funny and adventurous and spending time with her is still the best part of my day. She feels like home.

What does queer love and queer joy mean to you?

Jo: To me, queer love feels like authenticity and freedom from the chains we've been told we're supposed to live by.

Ashley: Queer love is joyous freedom. You aren't just breaking societal concepts of gender roles - queer love is inherently radical. Queer love necessitates loving a part of yourself you've been told you should be ashamed of - scared of - afraid of. Queer love is so queer.

What does it mean to you to be in a queer relationship?

There are three competing thoughts that we've had and talked about in this world.

First, we feel that we've come into our relationship from a position of privilege. While not all our family members have been accepting or affirming, we are able to be ourselves with each other. That is something that so many queer people do not have the luxury to be. Either they've come into their queerness later in life and may not have a partner who is accepting, or the negative pressures of society don't allow for the people in the relationship to be able to be out with each other.

Second, being in a queer couple means creating community. In today's world community is the only thing that can get us through. Queer people know this to the core of our spirit. Everywhere we have gone throughout the history of queer people, we have created community. Look at our history in times of crisis - queer people have always and will always step up to ensure we are all safe. For instance, when lesbians across the United States took up the mantle to care for those suffering from the genocide of queer people throughout the AIDs Epidemic, they created lifesaving communities.

Both of us are from small towns and have felt socially ostracized due to being out and queer. We have both lost friends and family due to hate and bigotry, and unfortunately we've lost some beautiful souls who could not bear to live in a world that felt so hopeless. Despite all of this, our family has only grown. Our community has only grown. The love of queer people is deep. It is strong. It is wonderful. Every single time we've been faced with loss or despair, other queer people have made sure to give us space, care, love. We have tried to grow that in ourselves and in those around us. During times like this, when everything seems hopeless - when the world itself feels so against you - you can only turn to your community.

Third, we are nothing special. Unconditional love is not special - or rather, it should not be. Everyone deserves at least one partner - one friend - who cares for them, wants to grow together, or who simply sees them as they are. This is, to us, the foundation of our relationship. Unconditional love does not require loving yourself, but it does require accepting that someone can truly love you unconditionally. That nothing you do, have done, or could do would change that aspect - that you are worthy of being respected, loved, and accepted.  

Final Musings on Queer Love

Queer love isn't just romantic. As a trans woman, in the past I often felt "half" in my friendships with others. Either I didn't feel I could be honest with them, or I didn't feel I could be honest with myself. While the process of coming out is an ongoing one, it has had wonderful moments that are not just romantic. My friendships have gained a depth I did not know they could have. Being queer has led me to be more honest, more open, and more truthful in my relationships. I have two very good friends that I grew up with - both are cis straight men. As I've gone through the process of coming out, I've noticed that they have also started to be more open about insecurities, more honest about their feelings, and more in touch with themselves. This has made our friendship deeper, easier, and more meaningful. It shows the power of queer love - platonic and romantic.